Today . . .

Today I hate adoption. There, I said it.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .

Time of year

I realized a few minutes ago that this is the time of year that is always quiet in adoption terms for me. It is after Mother's Day and before September when it hits me that Cory's birthday is coming up soon. Lately I have been trying to get into more adoption-related topics for my own knowledge and a school paper, but it has been difficult to draw up the motivation. Most of my time is spent focusing on school and work and I don't have the mental or emotional energies remaining at the end of the day to even read.

On my makeshift nightstand I have three different books on adoption that I checked out from the library. I have started two of them, kind of. On each of them the due date has come and gone and I have not been able to bring myself to finish them. It isn't anything emotional or traumatic that prevents me from diving in, just lack of motivation.

I'm not really sure where this post is going. It occurred to me that I had not posted in a while and I miss it. Hopefully through my research for my English paper I'll get some good info for a post or two.

In the meantime, I am going to school part time still. I finished my US History course and earned an 'A'. Currently I'm doing well in my English course and will hopefully finish with an 'A' or 'B'. Next month I start an Interpersonal Communication course that will run three weeks. Should be interesting.

Other than that I have been working at Orion Mortgage. They have me building their Wordpress site and adding content. Takes a lot of time and my eyes are so tired of staring at the computer screen in poor lighting. Oh well, it is interesting at least and I'm learning a lot about website coding.

I haven't talked to Cory and his family in a few weeks. I think Scoot's parents are in town and I really do not want to be around while they are here. They treat me nice enough but I still have some lingering feelings toward them from the first birthday party incident. I really need to get over that soon because they really are nice people.

Anyway, class is about to start so I much run. Hopefully I will post again soon.

Scholarship Application - Personal Statement

I had to write a Personal Statement for a scholarship application recently. Here is what I submitted: (*note: I'm not thrilled about some of the adoption labels/verbiage I used, but it was for the sake of clarity since the people reading my essay most likely have little to no adoption experience.)

Like so many students, when I graduated from high school I was sure I had the course of my life set. Through the next few years, I discovered how incredibly wrong I was, and needed to reevaluate my goals. Time away from academia has allowed me the opportunity to discover my passions and therefore my professional goals. Attending Red Rocks Community College will help me actualize the goals I have set and desire to achieve. With the intent to transfer to Metropolitan State College of Denver and pursue a degree in Human Services, Red Rocks’ excellent credit transfer system presents a way for me to jump-start my education and my future career.

My chosen direction was provided by personal experience. A couple years ago, I found myself in a tough situation; dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. The impact of the choices and consequences thereof in dealing with that cannot be underestimated; nor the value of the support I received. Through my decision to relinquish my son for adoption I met the woman most responsible for my decision to become a professional counselor. She possessed the education and skills necessary to guide me through the relinquishment process with ease, allowing me more time to focus on my well-being. I respected and responded to her ability to be a professional while creating an amiable rapport with me. She was invaluable to me; however, she lacked insights that can only be gained through personal experience. This made me aware of a particular deficit in this field, which I feel needs to be addressed. My first hand knowledge of the struggles birth parents deal with during and after the adoption process equips me to meet the unspoken needs of potential birth parents. The ability to fill the void that few others can fill is what drives me to be successful in my chosen field.

Since discovering this passion, I have sought to put my goals into practice. A family friend approached me at church and asked me to volunteer as a leader for Teen Community Bible Study (TCBS). After considering the time and personal commitment required, I agreed to co-lead the high school girl’s group. It has turned out to be one of the best things I have ever been a part of. As a leader, I spend time with the girls in a group setting, as well as one-on-one. Through my experiences I am able to help them navigate through life’s struggles and the drama surrounding being a teenager. Investing my time and energy into the future of my community, through TCBS, not only prepares me for my intended career, but also makes a difference in the lives of those students I come into contact with.

Continuing my education will allow me to keep making a difference in more lives; however, my financial circumstances could be an impediment. In January of this year, the position I held at K-LOVE Radio was eliminated. For the first time in seven years I was out of work. I spent the next four months ardently seeking a position in my line of work. Only so much time can be spent searching the Want Ads each day; I was allotted plenty of time for restoring neglected friendships, mentoring the girls from TCBS, and introspection. None of the positions I held in the past seven years, or the positions I was applying for thrilled me, and I was tired of having just a job. I determined to return to school to pursue what I found truly interesting. Since that decision was made, I have been able to secure a part-time job in order to pay the bills, yet it is a significant cut in pay from my last position. Due to the difference in income, financial aid is essential to achieve my academic goals.

A lot of time and thought has gone into this decision and I know I am on the right course. I have realized I have a gift for counseling, compassion and empathy and I want to use those skills to benefit others on a larger scale. A good education is the key to success in achieving my long-term goals and Red Rocks is the ideal starting point.

Let me know what you think. Please be brutally honest. I'm trying to become a better writer :)

Not missing, just busy!

I know I have been neglectful. I swear I have a good excuse. All of a sudden I started a part-time job that started at 3 hr/day but increased 3 days later to 6 hr/day. Then I enrolled in college. Then I registered for 3 classes (9 credit hr). Then I realized that I have no spare time anymore. I went from tons of spare time but nothing to write about to tons to write about and no spare time. Although, I did manage to read a couple books so I guess I did have a little spare time. Oh wait, that is because our internet was down for almost 2 weeks. That was annoying.

Brief update before I run again:

• Joined Beezer and Cory for lunch almost 2 weeks ago. She made lunch while I played with Cory. We all had a good time talking and laughing. Beezer invited me to attend the Boulder Jewish Festival with their family on the 7th. I'll be spending the entire day with them at the festival and then at an event at my church. She also loaned me Juno but I have no intention of watching it.
• I started working part-time at Orion Mortgage, Inc. A couple from church own it and they are really great to work with everyday. They increased my hours after only a few days but it is still only part-time work. Right now they have me working on updating the website and setting up a Wordpress blog for the company. Lots of other social media networking also.
• School will start next week. I'm taking English Composition I, US History and Interpersonal Communication over the summer. The ultimate goal is to complete my AA at Red Rocks Community College, my BA at Metropolitan State College of Denver and then pursue my master's degree from another school (not sure which one yet). The purpose is to become a counselor/social worker/something like that. It is really great having a goal to work toward.

That is pretty much it for the moment. I'll update soon (hopefully) with some of the other topics that have been rattling around in my head!

Mother's Day

I had a great day! It kind of snuck up on me to be honest. Yes, I was thinking about it a lot a week or two before when I wrote that "Ugh" post. When the day actually arrived I was thinking more about my own mom than worrying about whether I am a mom. A few of my friends and family wished me a "Happy Mother's Day" discreetly and instead of being awkward or unsure about it like year's past I was grateful and appreciated it. It felt great!

In addition to feeling better about the holiday itself, Beezer called me and invited to have lunch with them. Unfortunately, I was unable to go but I love that they invited me to spend some time with them on Mother's Day. Instead they stopped by our house after lunch to drop off a little gift for me. They have never given me a gift on Mother's Day before and I really did not expect it. Fortunately our church hosts a craft boutique every Mother's Day so I was able to pick out a nice necklace to give Beezer at the last minute. I send a card every year and she calls me but we have never exchanged gifts before this year. It was nice :)

It was a pretty good Mother's Day for my mom, too. I gave her a framed 12x12 scrapbook page I made with pictures of her and I on the beach in Florida back in December of 2006. She loves it! My younger sister and I treated her to breakfast from our favorite place and then we relaxed most of the afternoon. It was a great day.

Now I know for next year that I do not have to worry about Mother's Day. It is a day to dread or fret over. I know that I am a mother and I am more comfortable in that now. I actually look forward to next year :)

Annoyed

Anyone see that new show "Castle" on ABC? I usually love it. It has witty writing, good story lines and the acting is fun. Tonight's episode involved a child being kidnapped. The child was an adoptee. Who were the first suspects questioned? The birth parents. Let's ignore the fact that the birth parents had no idea who adopted their child and had no contact with them.

Ugh.

Just wanted to say . . .

. . . that I appreciate all the supportive comments on my last post. I'm going through a lot of stuff right now and most of it is not adoption related. However, the current struggles are tainting my view of adoption issues and my attitude toward the upcoming holiday.

I know I have a very special and wonderful relationship with my son's family and I try to not take that for granted. We have been blessed more than I can measure. It is not because of who we are or what we "deserve." Our relationship is what it is because God chose to bless us for reasons we cannot fully understand. He gave us the opportunity and the tools to build a lasting family relationship that has changed us, them and the people around us all who have witnessed it happening. It is more than I ever knew to ask for.

I felt like I needed to say all this since I have had a negative tone lately. My life is not all negative or consumed with worry. Yes, there are times when the bad stuff gets the better of me and I succumb to the stress and worry of what is or could be and I vent it all on here . . . but those times are not my whole life. I just felt like I needed to say that whether it be for my benefit or yours.

I pray you have a blessed day filled with wonderful memories and a shining future filled with hope . . .

Ugh

Writing a post for this blog is a daunting task at times. It means diving into what I'm feeling, extracting something of substance, forming it into something people may be able to understand and taking the time to type it out. It is a battle to balance emotion, perspective, truth and a respect for those who read here. It is a battle to be understood and heard. I have never been very good at it and so I have simply rambled on and on about who knows what for nearly two years now. For some reason some of you great people are still reading.

I thank you for hearing me.

Mother's Day is approaching. For days now I have been awful to be around. Until today I really didn't understand why I was so stressed, grouchy, sad and feeling like an outsider. Yes, I have other things going on in life that are unpleasant. I'm still jobless, finances are tight, weight loss is a struggle, therapy is one step forward and four steps back, Bible study has me crying every week and certain friends are discouraging to be around. Even with all of that going on I'm normally fine. It's just the season.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), I'm not alone on this ridiculous emotional roller coaster. Some online friends of mine are in the same boat. Mother's Day seems to sneak up on us. Before we even realize that May is around the corner we are crying, stressing ourselves out, digging up grief and regrets. It seems that day causes tremors in our lives long before it shows up.

My friend, C, was a birth mom for two years before I joined the ranks. To my knowledge, she has never had a problem with Mother's Day. At church she will go down to the front in service to receive a gift and blessing with all the other mothers (a church tradition). I have no idea why it doesn't bother her to walk with all the "real" mothers with children waiting for them back at her seats. Maybe it does and I just can't see it though my own pain. I leave during that part of the service. It is too painful for me to sit there being tormented with the question, "Am I really a mom?" while watching women who are so proud to wear their title. I know the answer for myself but the question still rises up when I am unable to wear my title in front of other people. I'm afraid they will see me as a fraud. I fear the people who don't know my story and what they will think. I fear the people who do know my story and what they will think. Most of all I fear myself and my own hypocrisy. What will I think if I acknowledge myself as a mom in front of so many people? Will I feel guilt? Regret? Relief? Or maybe nothing at all . . .

The hardest part of that day is trying to push aside my pain to honor, respect and cherish my mom the way I should. My mom did not fail at being a great mom. She should not be shortchanged simply because I did.

Fortunately, it is only one day. 24 hours and it is over. Then we can move on from this difficult season of the year and prepare for the next one.

Checking in . . .

I know I have been very sporadic with my blogging. Things have been interesting. I am still unemployed but it really isn't bothering me at the moment. I should be more stressed about it than I am but I'm not. I have moved in with my parents for the time being and things are going well. My younger sister and I get along great, better than we ever have before. My parents and I are also getting along. Things are going well with counseling, but I'm realizing that I need to be giving a better effort in certain areas. Working on it. A couple friends and I are going to be starting a Bible study/mentoring group with a family friend who is like a second mother to me.

On the adoption front things are going well. Beezer and Cory will be spending Easter with my family and I at a friend's house. Unfortunately, Scoot will be working so he cannot join us. We'll be sure to send some ham home with Beezer for him :). I feel like we are in the most uncomplicated adoption relationship ever. We are kind of on a road to becoming true family for each other more than just by adoption. Does that make sense? I pray one day every member of both our families will see the our relationship is a blessing and accept it. Some day.

I really have not had a lot to say lately. Lots of thoughts flying around in my head but nothing coherent enough to write down. I'll try a little harder . . .